7 months

My Beautiful Grandmother,

I miss you so much.

This weekend makes it exactly 7 months since you left this earth. I am finding it incredibly difficult to  comprehend how I have managed to live in a world without you.

There are days where I am having a good day, or see something funny and I just reach for my phone to Skype call you as I normally would. I reality sets in as I am scrolling to your contact picture and its like I relive the moment when I got the message that you died.

I have several voicemail messages you left me saved in my email, but the one you left me days before you crossed over, I cannot bring myself to listen to.

When I last saw you in person, you were as beautiful as any day of your entire lifetime. Your skin glowed and your dark curls shrouded your head like a crown or halo. At times I would look at you and just be in awe of your beauty and your wisdom. I could ask you anything without fear or judgement and you knew exactly what to say.

Aunty Jackie had just driven us back to drop you off and it was my last day in Trinidad after Mama's funeral. I remember that I felt peaceful because she was at rest after a lovely sendoff and although I have always treasured my time with you, I did feel a bittersweet sense of guilt

I treasure that last day with you out by the pool, enjoying a corona and watching the sea. I remember you went inside to cool off and I walked off the veranda to lay out in the hot Trini sun. I didn't mind the heat burning my skin because the magnificent view and sound of water trickling into the pool, passing boats and squawking gulls was worth enduring the blaze. Looking off in the distance, the shades of blue from the sky and the water melted together on the horizon, giving way to a glimpse of Venezuela. As I soaked in all of this, I thought to myself and I said my prayers.

I illustrate this scene as though its a dream, and at times when I relive it in my mind it feels so surreal because that day with you was perfection. How was I to know that this was my last day with you?

Survival

My Beautiful Grandmother,

It is ridiculous how much I miss you.

Hardly a day, an hour passes where I don't think of you. At times I wake up and think about my day ahead, and plan to give you a call when I know I would have a moments break. I may even scroll to your name in my phone, but before I hit the send button I am harshly reminded that you will not pick up. I realize that I am waking up to a world where you no longer reside, one where I will never hear your beautiful voice, see your precious face and feel your warm embrace.

I can only try to describe what it feels like, mourning and missing you like this. But its comes in waves of immense pain. I literally feel a void.

But it is astounding that I have survived the last few months without you. How did I celebrate birthdays, diwali, Thanksgiving, Christmas without you? Valentines day is quickly approaching and last year it was spent with you. May is the worst month of all since Mother's day and Cinco de Mayo will forever be marred by the memory of seeing you burning on the pyre.

I will survive that day, May 5th. I know I will survive anything because I have already lived through the worst, which is losing you.