Congruity

When I met Daniel, my world was falling apart, literally it was the worst chapter of my life. Saturn had revisited Scorpio for the summer and brutalized me by stealing you, loved grandmother (both of of you anyway). But I lost the person I loved most in this world. I never knew my heart could ache so much when you died. And even though it is cliche to say that your death left a void in my heart, I believe more appropriately that a piece of me died along with you. But please keep it. It actually brings me comfort knowing there is so much beauty in letting go. 

Days after Daniel and I met,  I returned to Trinidad for the second funeral that month to say goodbye to you my love; the one person I would have wanted to meet him most. The universe has its way of ironically filling voids and surprising us with the least expected circumstance... by this I mean how could I know with such loss and grief,  I would dive into the deepest parts o my heart and give it to my bashert. 

Finding myself in Trinidad again did nothing to soothe my grief so I took the next flight home right after the funeral and literally ran to his open arms and open heart. I could not bear the long drawn out traditions that amplified my grief. I couldn't look at my mother or aunts without seeing your face, and I just had to leave. My journey to accepting my your passing and surviving this tremendous grief is inextricably aligned with our love story. 

There were so many times in the beginning of all this where guilt and doubt crept in to make question whether it was the right time to let him to enter my life. Whenever he said or did something amazing, I knew that you would have given anything to be around to see this happen for me. But a part of me felt that I was metaphorically dancing on you grave, by the elation of our growing love. How could I be falling in love at this precise time? Why now? It was literally the worst cosmic timing. Then I learned that the answer to that its never the right time. You just have to accept the gifts of the universe, along with its cosmic lessons and be grateful for both. I kept moving forward with this man and I soon came to realize that not only did I want to be with him, but I NEVER want to be without him. 

How's the View up There

So Nanny, how is it?

What are you seeing right now and where on earth are you? Most likely not in this world, and you're probably much better off than any of us.
Since I wont find out until the day I cross over, I think I can just envision where I think you are and what I hope it is like for you.

Being Catholic I know that the teachings have said we walk through Heaven's Gates, often in the presence of unbelievable beauty, light and grace. But being exposed so many spiritual influences, I can only remain open and flexible in my expectations of the other side.

I would hope the view you have is satisfying your worldly was and hopes for us, your loved ones.

The Best Compliment

Beloved Grandmother,

I often think back to the year you passed away, specifically the months leading up to your death. That Valentines Day was so special because we celebrated Aunty's 50th Birthday, and we were all together on a frigid night in a greek restaurant in Queens. This was special because you met Shivam's long time girlfriend after they had been dating for years. Lucky you! We have close family members who haven't met her as yet.

I just remember how excited and elated you were to see Shivam with the love of his life and how much you tried to convince him to put a 'ring on' her before she went off to medical school. There was so much wonderful to reflect on that night, but I really remember one thing that haunts me to this day. You said something to the effect of "Shivam found her first, he beat you!" which I took to mean that finding our beshert partner was, to you at least, a competition and a prize. That was probably the only thing that you ever said that actually hurt me. The look on your face was of pity, worry for me and probably disappointment in the fact that I couldn't give you a similar introduction. I understand that the generation you come from was so conventional that being married and settles at a certain age, to you, meant that I would have stability and status. But even though you knew that I was independent, ambitious and non conventional beyond anything you could have imagined for yourself or your own daughters, I never thought you would outright convey that type of judgement towards me. I really thought you understood me.

It hurt because I knew you must have felt about me at that moment and it continues to bother me that you will never meet the man I am with now, the one I know is the only one worthy of meeting you.  I knew my journey was not a race to find love, and that I actually had more faith than you that I would find a partner wen the time was right.  I recall at the time that I made a huge effort to respond to you in the most patient and respectful way and conceal my shock and hurt from your words.  Frankly feel relieved that my brother had such an easy time in comparison to me on this love journey, the last thing I would ever feel toward him is jealousy, because his successes are thus mine as well. For him to find a woman of intelligence, integrity and compassion at a young age shows that I dd my best as a sister to raise him with respect and value for such a counterpart. I know now that when you find the right person, it doesn't matter when moment it is, you cannot let it pass you by.

I love you so much, and it bothers me to this day that neither you or I will have that magical moment when I bring Daniel home to meet you. The most painful irony, (besides burying you on Mother's Day) was that in the time that you and Mama dies, I found the love of my life, the only man I deem worthy of meeting you, the person who's opinion matters to me the most in this world. Often I think about how much you would just adore thiamin, and you would love to be on the phone with me hearing about all of our adventures.

I sometimes like to imagine that you would be in NYC, at home by Aunty Jackie. We would probably be driving up to the front of the house bringing you a huge bouquet of your favorite roses. I know you would be in your chair by the window looking out to see us, probably timing our arrival exactly as you always did. There would undoubtedly be a house full of loud chaotic and happy family, of course now Daniel is no longer culture shocked by!

We would walk in to the aromas of your home cooked meal, usually an elaborate several courses of curries, veggies form the garden and yummy roasted pork, chicken and macaroni pie that we normally devoured at Sunday dinners together. I know you would spend time planning the menu and sitting in your chair watching your shows while you peeled the garlic and vegetables. My aunties would be just as excited to have us and start getting acquainted, and immediately make him feel at home and at ease. Knowing Daniel, he would have flowers or gifts for them too.

I would like to think your face would be beaming with happiness and you would probably take pride in the fact that we look so happy together and he really does fit in perfectly with us. You would probably be the way my mom is now, overjoyed to feed him everything you made (no matter how strange he would actually try it) and you'd tell him all about Nana and Trinidadian culture. Dan is so easygoing and engaging that he would absolutely make you laugh, and just be his charming and genuine self. I know you would adore how attentive he is of me, and how silly he can be as well. You would probably ask all bout his parents and family and be glad to know how well he takes care of them. I wouldn't be surprised if you told him you and Nana went to Hong Kong at some point in your travels.

I realize thats an elaborate and hypothetical dream, but it truly brings me some comfort in knowing that he has your approval.

7 months

My Beautiful Grandmother,

I miss you so much.

This weekend makes it exactly 7 months since you left this earth. I am finding it incredibly difficult to  comprehend how I have managed to live in a world without you.

There are days where I am having a good day, or see something funny and I just reach for my phone to Skype call you as I normally would. I reality sets in as I am scrolling to your contact picture and its like I relive the moment when I got the message that you died.

I have several voicemail messages you left me saved in my email, but the one you left me days before you crossed over, I cannot bring myself to listen to.

When I last saw you in person, you were as beautiful as any day of your entire lifetime. Your skin glowed and your dark curls shrouded your head like a crown or halo. At times I would look at you and just be in awe of your beauty and your wisdom. I could ask you anything without fear or judgement and you knew exactly what to say.

Aunty Jackie had just driven us back to drop you off and it was my last day in Trinidad after Mama's funeral. I remember that I felt peaceful because she was at rest after a lovely sendoff and although I have always treasured my time with you, I did feel a bittersweet sense of guilt

I treasure that last day with you out by the pool, enjoying a corona and watching the sea. I remember you went inside to cool off and I walked off the veranda to lay out in the hot Trini sun. I didn't mind the heat burning my skin because the magnificent view and sound of water trickling into the pool, passing boats and squawking gulls was worth enduring the blaze. Looking off in the distance, the shades of blue from the sky and the water melted together on the horizon, giving way to a glimpse of Venezuela. As I soaked in all of this, I thought to myself and I said my prayers.

I illustrate this scene as though its a dream, and at times when I relive it in my mind it feels so surreal because that day with you was perfection. How was I to know that this was my last day with you?

Survival

My Beautiful Grandmother,

It is ridiculous how much I miss you.

Hardly a day, an hour passes where I don't think of you. At times I wake up and think about my day ahead, and plan to give you a call when I know I would have a moments break. I may even scroll to your name in my phone, but before I hit the send button I am harshly reminded that you will not pick up. I realize that I am waking up to a world where you no longer reside, one where I will never hear your beautiful voice, see your precious face and feel your warm embrace.

I can only try to describe what it feels like, mourning and missing you like this. But its comes in waves of immense pain. I literally feel a void.

But it is astounding that I have survived the last few months without you. How did I celebrate birthdays, diwali, Thanksgiving, Christmas without you? Valentines day is quickly approaching and last year it was spent with you. May is the worst month of all since Mother's day and Cinco de Mayo will forever be marred by the memory of seeing you burning on the pyre.

I will survive that day, May 5th. I know I will survive anything because I have already lived through the worst, which is losing you.

INTRODUCTION

Dearest Beloveds,

Welcome to my new Blog.
This is an extension of The Perpetual Erudite, which I founded to explore intellectual catharsis, expressive transformation and utilize at random moments of muse.
Erudite Epistolary is a blog solely for the purpose of emotional catharsis. After yet another difficult year (of professional and academic stressors) tragedy struck in a most unimaginable way. My world shattered upon the death of my Grandmother, My Queen.

It is difficult to articulate the tremendous grief and loss I have experienced this year alone. But with this platform, I am doing what I do best, I am expressing my emotions through writing. Like all things in life, my feelings and response to losing both of my grandmothers in a short period of time, is a transformative and ongoing experience. This blog, albeit 7 months after burying them both, will cover the emotional journey, spiritual discovery and cathartic process that is rendered from tragedy.



The past year was tough for my entire family because we lost 3 matriarchs; both of my grandmothers and one grandmother in law. Being from an extensive Trinidadian family, I must explain that despite having relatives spread across the globe, the way in which we were brought up is close knit spanning several generations. So my parents and their siblings and respective spouses are finding this grief compounded in triplicate.

In the years prior to this I watched my dad and his siblings suffer through anticipatory grief that wore down to the last bitter days of Mama's life. A fierce woman, who was once a beacon of faith, elegance and strength slowly eroded in front of her children until she finally gave into the light that took her husband a few years earlier. My uncle also lost his mother in law under a similar conditions, witnessing the deterioration of yet another beloved woman. The only solace I found from attending my first ever funeral was through my faith and family. Mama had a beautiful Catholic service (actually several) which brought me tremendous peace and acceptance of her passing. I was able to spend time in Trinidad with family in the days after her funeral, something that I didn't realize would aid in the healing process.

Soon after we laid Mama to rest, we were devastated to relive the process with Nanny, my maternal grandmother. It was absolutely unexpected, and while I will not go into the details of her physical passing, I will say that her exquisite life impacted mine beyond what I could ever express and that will remain the focus of this blog.

I adored and worshiped my maternal grandmother, My Queen as I lovingly referred to her.
Words cannot express how deeply pained I am at the loss of both women weeks of each other, but Nanny's death wounded me so deeply that I am unable to grieve in a healthy way or sometimes even comprehend that she is actually gone. I feel like a piece of me died with her. I do not think I could ever begin to articulate how truly devastated I am because to me I did not lose my grandmother but I lost my mother. She raised me, she loved me and she taught me to become a person who will not fear a life without her. The cruel irony of the universe was that her funeral was held this year on Mother's Day.

But within this fog of sadness, I have unearthed a wonderful gift. I feel tremendous gratitude for having her for 30 incredible years. I feel lost and a lack of closure from a chaotic and traumatic sendoff (more in another blog post), but mostly I feel like I can survive this fog of sadness because the faith I have in seeing Nanny again is as strong as the love will always have for her and as strong as the woman she taught me to be.

The upcoming posts will mostly be written in an Epistolary style, which literary buffs will know is the letter format. I realize they will be rhetorical and conversational in structure, but I am speaking to my grandmother in the commentary as if she were with me. In my mind and my heart she is listening, but for me to extract these feelings in such a format is healing.
I hope you read along and enjoy my posts.